Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Female Mind: A User Manual

We had an enourmous support with polls this time around, mates. Thank you all for chipping in and making my blog that much more lovely. Alot of you leave comments that touch me and make me smile, in ways most countries would find distasteful, if not illegal in certain regions. But probably not the Vatican. (B'Dum-CHSSSH) That was a pedophile joke, followed by a sound effect. I had some complaints about my references being vague, so I'm going to try to make this post a bit easier to understand.

But what about the ladies, Daddy Kane? You promised us 72 virgins!

To be clear, that's bollocks. You've clearly been misinterpreting my words, or mistaking them for another book that you've read. I cannot get you 72 virgins, a pound of hash, or immortality in heaven. I can't help you find nirvana for any longer than 5-30 seconds depending on your use of Tantra. I can't even guarantee one virgin, without breaking a few laws, and to be perfectly honest... It would be morally apprehensible of this humble teacher of tidbits to do so. The fact that you ask makes me more than a little leery of your intent. You're suspect...

The Female Mind
A User Manual by Janus Kane

    The first thing you'll have to understand, or at least take with a grain of salt, is that all humans think alike to a certain degree. As well, all humans react alike to a certain degree, even down to how they flirt and smile. Human tribes who to this day have had limited contact with civilization, or only recent contact, still have the same mating habits and facial expressions. Every one of us shares a smile, a frown, a shocked look of disgust. We all twitch the same exact muscle groups exactly to snap-second show a facial spasm, thus conveying our stance to those around us . Why is this important, you may ask... Outloud, and seemingly in vain. By yourself. Well that's exactly why its important. Understand that we can't consciously think to smile or show dread fast enough to react to whatever is happening, and still maintain logical thought and fair control over your motor reflexes. There is alot going on in that brain of yours, check out my early blog on the subject. And because we all respond the same, you can (and probably already do in a few areas) predict and plan for reactions from people. All I'm doing here, is giving you some basics in particular with the female mind, in regards to dropping off your carry-on luggage in her rear compartment. Ladies, maybe you just want to experiment, or continue the experiments from the blurry days in college. Maybe you even just want a platonic relationship with a female, and simply dream of more. Perhaps let her vent for hours about her shitty drunk boyfriend who beats her, but she still loves him because he's really a good guy. And you might even push down the urge to remind her even good guys aren't worth the steel-toe to her ribs, because that's what friends do.

    Whatever your reasons, you have come to the right place. you don't have to be a genius, or Don fucking Juan himself to pull in the ladies. It would help if you were a genius, and help even more if you had any social skills up to this point. But for those of you who don't, worry not, these steps are easy to follow. You just need to kick yourself in the ass a bit to get into what I like to call Hero Mode?

Question One, what is Hero Time? Hero Time is not something I would say outloud, but being an anonymous figure here, I don't mind letting you into the rather child-like enthusiasm that is my internal monologue. Hero Time is when a moment in your life travels down the timeline towards your static location in time. (Visualize that... You also learned the basics of Warp Technology, in development now.) This moment has a fight or flight choice, usually quite simple. Do you jump off the waterfall? Do you man up, pull her into a savage kiss despite not getting to the hand holding stage yet, or all the way into the movie theater. Do you unzip your pants in front of a hot chicks boyfriend, stare him down, and urinate on his shoes to express your Alpha Male status. These are all examples of Hero Time that I've run into, and there are alot more. Maybe, if you've been good, you've noticed the internal arguments you have with yourself. Yes, everybody does that. We all trade rationalizations too, you smokers probably know what I'm talking about the best. That voice that's telling you to turn away from the cliff, the voice that flashes images of you inexplicably falling or slipping or losing your balance on the cliff... That's fear. Say hello, this might be the first time you've confronted him fully.

Fear drives us, and keeps us relatively safe, or at the least sheltered. But what fear doesn't do is craft leaders, adventurers, men of science and industry and circumnavigation. It doesn't make heroes. It doesn't make the Alpha Male, and it doesn't save your life in crunch time. Its a preventative measure. If you understand this, you'll begin to see uses for fear. And if preventing yourself from talking to girls is your goal, then by all means, stop reading, and pay fear some mind. Because fear is right, your probably going to get rejected. Judged, chided, ridiculed, berated, maybe even blown. Yeah, you could get blown. I said it. But all of those things, minus the oral sex, won't hurt you in the least. Bracers could cause a complication in the latter. As well as epilepsy.

Step One
Be Confident

Many people go into a situation thinking what could go wrong, how they can avoid that, what if this happens, etc... Many people strike out and crawl home to cry, thinking they aren't worth shit. And some people aren't worth shit, depending on their health and the areas inflation rate of shit.  But you aren't one of those guys, those guys don't exist to you. Your a fucking god of your own world, and nobody can tell you otherwise. People enter your world, not the other way around my friends. Not to say you shouldn't be respectful of the other Gods, but your the alpha God. You control this amazing machine that is your body and are able to excel in any area you choose to repeat over and over and over again.

You see, people respond to confidence, yourself not witheld from that group. Whether or not we like it, we all respond to key factors about somebody. An unpleasant frown, a tear brewing, a hardened brow. We respond to that, because our brain i keyed to, its why we make the expressions in the first place. Perhaps you can see the wisdom in knowing how your brain works now, the possibilities it unlocks are endless. Females in particular, in this culture especially (america for me, but it seems very much universal) respond to dominance. This can be the steel toed dominance if played right, or the more acceptable and harder to master way of the confident nice guy.

So try this, go up to a girl in a casual setting, like a bookstore or coffee shop. She should look something like this, but lonelier. Avoid bars, clubs, anywhere you wouldn't want to meet your girl. Don't think about how easy it'd be, aim for your own areas. And if clubbing is your area, I really can't help you. Go up to her and ask her about something shes doing, connect with her immediately. Plant the seed. If she has a book, know something about it and mention you had just read it. Even if its Dean Koontz. Make eye contact, smile naturally, she isn't judging you. In fact, you are judging her. Try it with strangers, stare them down with a confident smile, watch how they react. Do this, introduce yourself, make that personal, friendly connection that tells her your the only one in the room she knows.

Excuse yourself, because you suddenly have to go somewhere, or you should really sit down on account of the hot beverage you have in your hand. She probaly won't ask for you to join her, but if she does go for it and good luck, skip to step three. But more than likely...

Walk away. Always end the engagement, though not in a rude way. This is a guide for nice guys.

Step Two
The Face

At this point, your already shame free. You made a casual, noncommital entrance, and then sat nearby to enjoy your caramel mocha orange soy frappachino in a vente cup. Or in a generic styrofoam cup and crusty bagel for all you narcotics anonymous types. She'll come to you if she likes you or if shes bored, or curious. Shes probably one of the three, so make sure to look up as if you didnt know that.

It works like this, mates. Women have had a long, long history of having men prove themselves for their affection. You've probably notice how they date assholes when theyre younger, right? Assholes are confident, they also piss alot of people off. They shit all over everything, and chicks dig it. But not you my faithful friends, not you. You're confident because you know it's not the end of the world... It is in fact not a big deal at all. She'll melt away into the hazy purple gray that masks time and space away when your not holding its attention. Just another fish in the pond, no matter how thick dat ass was.

Act like it's not that big of a deal, alot for you get nervous, I'd wager a guess. It's just not necessary. Take this advice, practice on strangers somewhere where you wont be known. Make a persona  that you want to be, the perfect image of yourself. Throw in anything you want, change anything you want. Its a fictional, fantasy character. Now go out and be that person, really step into his habits. You'll find immediately that people will respond differently, and they will respond to your character, rather than you. You just figured out that people are programmed. To be true what your doing now is programming yourself. Our brains work extremely well with repetition, if you do it long enough, you become it. Accents can be learned, mannerisms can be picked up.

Excuse me, Mr. Kane? I know you hate interruptions, but wouldn't that be dishonest? No, your persona is a conflagration of past events hitting you and some genetic dispositions. But the vast majority is the world hitting you with situations you have to adapt and learn from. If you make that a part of your life, you will literally become that person. Make it a game, hell, there are games called Larping if you can stomach the 500 lbs fireball slinging guy in every crowd. Try it out on here, your anonymous anyway. But for Kane's sake, just practice it. That alone will change your life.

Step Three
The Hook

Females love sex. If they don't, they probably aren't your thing. But most do, and most think about it constantly. Most want your dick before you even walk up to them providing you put any effort into maintaining your body, hygiene, appearance... Unless you have an accent. You may sacrifice two of those three attributes if you have an accent.

Don't believe me? Check out this rather convincing pictorial to the left, or this link below.
The power of world wide information.

Keep that in mind, because now you hold the key. As I said earlier, they are very much used to being pursued  and having men prove themselves. So what we do, the confident nice guys, is use the same trick. Have a normal conversation with the girl, shes just a girl. In fact, think about other girls while you talk to her, maybe even glance at a few in the overpriced coffee joint you chose, because you like the idea of tainting the privileged with your lower class filth.  Talk about her, let her talk about you... Though she will likely talk about herself. Now, your interested, but once again, noncommittal. There's a very large ass by the counter, and some heaving sweater puppies doing toe touch stretches just outside the window. Let me stress, there are alot of options. She's entering your Domain.

Look, I hope you've met people, ask her about what she does, college the same basic shit you'd want people to know about you. College is good because you can find something to relate to there almost every time. Oh yeah, what classes? The Study of Indigenous Bottomfeeding Fish in the Atlantic Coasts? I was thinking about taking that course too, how are you liking it? The simple fact is, my friend, is that people like to talk about themselves. Because we all want to be immortal somehow. Or whatever your personal belief is, it's true regardless. Don't take my word for it, read a book!

Step Four
The Blow Jay

Now that you've successfully spoken to a girl without creaming your pants, or soiling them in public it's time to move onto the next stage. Now, again, keep in mind. All these steps should be taken with a bit of judgement depending on the girl your talking to. Remember, you are whoever you say you are, adapt and overcome. This girl likes you, it's very obvious because she is still talking to you. Her eyes have glanced at your crotch no less than 3 times a minute, go ahead and check that out for yourselves too. She wants you to whip that manmeat out so fast, it'll blow HER away. Cheesy joke, but it goes with the pic. Shes hot, bothered, and is repressed through social values to keep all that to her mysterious, thick hipped self. But right back at her, right? Offer to go somewhere, or to 'hang out at your place'. Maybe she'll say yes... And based on todays standards with premarital sex, she probably will if you haven't blown it yet. But if she doesn't, no worries, you never have to see her again unless your looking for the kind of girl who doesn't felate dudes she just met that day. Because she'll felate them all, you're a god, but not the only one ;)

When your at your place or somewhere allowing privacy, it's crunch time. Remember your practice, and saty confident. At this point, understand, she has followed you to a private location to continue the 'conversation'. This is the mating game, and its going exactly as planned. Please notice, throughout this whole process, you have the opportunity to see that she WANTS to talk to you. people like to be known, and appreciated by somebody they respect. And you can't respect something that worships you. So stay confident, and put that arm around her the moment you sit down next to her on the couch with a movie on, or whatever your down for. Your already on the final stretch, home base is right ahead, and it's in the glorious shape or an otherwise talking mouth. It's your job to fix that, in a respectful way.

As a side note, on the subject of respect, realize she's putting your penis in her mouth for an elongated period of time. This is a pretty big step if you think about it, and deserves a few words of appreciation, moans, slaps on the ass, and otherwise good natured ways of saying "Don't stop, I'm so goddam lonely." You can cry yourself to sleep another night, tonight, she dines on dick.

But Janus... That doesn't seem very nice. Well, neither does shoving a guys face into her pussy, an open wound thats hopefully well kept. In fact, nothing about sex is pretty if you think about it. That is in fact, why sex is so wonderful. Its that time when you can bask in those natural healthy chemicals that make all that not matter, and allow you to fully release. Very good for stress relief, and blue balls. So don't be afraid to get a little kinky, chances are she'll like it and like you more. If not, you really don't need to see her again anyway, if she didn't appreciate you. I mean... you already got the BJ.

For anybody looking for some simple tips, rather than a lifestyle change, I'll number them below so you can get some hoodrat bitches. Go to the club, you filthy bastard.

1. Eye contact, confident smile, approach like you know she wants you... Just don't grin all creepy like, its what mirrors are for.
2. Get in close, when your skin touches for more than a few seconds around 30 of them, you trade chemicals that last for quite some time. Get in close and grind dance, your already in the clear. In my experience, chicks grind on almost anybody at a club. They're there for a reason, and it's not to enjoy the festive environment. Unless your talking about the festive bathroom stalls with an anonymous stranger.
3. Don't be afraid, just go for it. If your not willing to make a solid change in your personality, your likely doomed to a life of monotony anyway. You aren't going to go anywhere. But worry not, you can make up for it in sheer repetition. 1 out of 4 girls will sleep with you if you ask, thats an average, not a set number for every group of people. Be logical, don't go to church... Probably.
4.Wear a condom. Seriously, your in a fucking club. Nobody wants anything you can pick up from a club. Be it an STD, alimony payment, or a stab wound... It's always good to have a condom. (See my next chapter on Improvised Weapons for more info on using a condom to thwart an attacker)

I hope all this helped mates, give me some feedback on anything more specific you'd like me to go into. Throw your own tips on here, alot of people could use them. Leave no brother behind.

A word for my female readers. I am not a sexist, and would be more than willing to write an equally one sided view from the woman's perspective. This is a guide for frustrated men or curious women, I'm a sarcastic guy. Take no offense, your my brothers too, sisters.

Actually a pretty nice guy,


  1. You know how hard this is to read with my wife right behind me? Actually the first time we met I pretended to have an accent (so she wouldn't notice me messed up hair.)

    I notice you are about the confidnce, which is good advice, but this can often backfire. Without the guy even realizing until he is zoned.

    I think you are totally right about all things involving face. Eye contact, right on. Finding those little ways to lay your hand reassuringly across hers, or a gentle prod on the back...

    Where the hell was this advice when I was single?

    P.S. - I had voted for weapons because I am a fuddy-duddy. But I am sure some of your ronery followers will get mucho information out of this.

  2. Haha, thank you Rorsch. Everybody taker his advice and throw in your own knowledge. This is a community for anybody who needs knowledge. I'm just happy to hand it out in bulk format.

    I can't wait to do Part Three on weapons, but I am ever a tool of the people, not it's hand. I must be directed to be of any use, and used properly as directed.


  3. Some great advice here, now we just have to find a way to get a manual for every individual woman...

  4. nice post don't think there is really anything to add pretty sure you have covered it all was some good info there. I knew most of it just from common sense kinda but I'm sure there were many clueless men now thanking you for providing this.
    thanks buddy

  5. Well Travie, talking about women in general is difficult. Truth be told, most of that could be altered slightly to make a How to Get Men post. I love my rhetoric and charming, always trying to increase my charismatic abilities.

    You could always send me her info, and I'll give you a walkthrough. I'll play your Cyrano de Bergerac anyday, my friends!


  6. I like the way you designed your blog :)

  7. this is actually some good information. with all of these michael cera movies, guys think that it is attractive to be awkward. Wrong, so wrong, it couldn't be more wrong.

  8. Now just write a FAQ relating to this post and you're gold

  9. Janus, yet again, you have amazed me with your knowledge. This was a great read, I bet you get laid a lot more than I do =[

    Anyways, I want to ask your opinion about something. I'm a naturally kind of good-looking nice guy with a sort of bad-boy look. (my hair isnt dyed like that anymore) But I usually get approached by girls that i'm not into that much.

    Not that they're not do-able, but I don't know, I like the cute innocent type of looking girls, tall with long hair, slender, etc.

    I always attract the clubbing kind of girls, a bit skanky, but relatively hot.

    Should I give up trying to find that cute inncoent type girl and just pick myself up the next random hot but kind of slutty girl that comes along?

    I read your "meeting at a bookstore" strategy, im considering that, but I don't know how to carry it out all the way!

  10. Bluerad, your trust in my abilities is honestly touching to my heart. I'm going to your blog to leave you a detailed post. :) Hopefully I can help you out mate.

    For the record, I've been laid way too many times to be proud of at this point. I've settled down a bit, and have been with my girl for 7+ months now. She's making her blog and will be joining us soon. Thanks for the comment mate, heading to your site now :)


  11. If your girlfriend can make posts half as interesting as yours I'll be following hers as well.

    Now if you could make a post on how to get girls you're currently with to put out I'd appreciate that. :P

  12. Haha, next poll I'll throw it up, my friend. "How to Keep a Girl, Liven up the Sex Life, and Putting it in the Butt." IT'll be a diverse topic, with all the same central points.

    I love you guys, you almost make me wish the apocalypse wouldn't come.

    Scratch that, bring on the zombies, nukes, or commies. I'll come get every one of you lovable bastard. In such a scenario, we meet at Groton Connecticut naval base. Head towards the submarines. I already have a nuclear engineer to run the thing.

    Is he joking?

    Head East to find out.

  13. As of tonight im pretty much back on the market so maybe ill utilize some of your wisdom :P

    its been 2 years tho, so i have to get back in that mindset :P

  14. Ha. Great post. I love that style you have. Pretty in depth post analysis you have going on.

  15. BAHAHA!! This is a play by play of how my boyfriend and I got together. Perfect!

  16. "Now that you've successfully spoken to a girl without creaming your pants, or soiling them in public it's time to move onto the next stage. "

    Dear Mr. Kane. I cannot get past this point. Advice?

  17. Appreciate this post. Will try it out.

    My web site ... isomorphism

  18. Howdy! I could have sworn I've visited this blog before but after looking at many of the articles I realized it's new to me.
    Nonetheless, I'm definitely happy I came across it and I'll be bookmarking it and checking back regularly!

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