Monday, September 27, 2010

How to Kill a Charging Man with a Cup of Tea

If you haven't noticed yet, the top left of my blog has a poll. :) Updated every time I make a new post, daily. Just pick the subject you want me to go into, and my mind will do the rest. If you don't actually read my posts, I suppose you wouldn't even see this far. Those of you who made it past three sentences, give me your suggestions ;) I'm all about my readers.

Improvised Weapons
A survival guide by Janus Kane

So you've decided not to lay down and take it, when flesh hungry undead are clawing at your hopefully tear-proof clothing. OR when commies invade our soil, and have to defend ourselves against Country X, Terrorist X, Monster X... Whatever. Well Daddy Kane is here to make sure everyone of you has at least a mediocre chance to survive in an otherwise life-altering environment.

So you've got some shotgun shells? Yeah, I bet you do. You've got all that powerhouse ammo, and not a single shotgun to your post-apocalyptic name. Which is probably going to be something really cheesy, like Striker, or Shadowblaster. I can't wait for the information generation to hit post apocalyptia.... You are in luck.

Take the shell, some tape, and a saltine. Now find yourself a thumbtack from the nearest Betty Grable poster, or whatever you kids stroke off to nowadays. Place the saltine upon the back of the shell, the metal side. This will prevent your fingers from exploding, an unfortunate side effect of discharging shotgun shells in your hand. Secure the crackery treat with the tape, to the shotgun shell back. Now, ever so gently, place the tip of the thumbtack through the saltine. Don't you fucking push hard, its just a saltine, and doesn't deserve what you're about to do to it. So don't be a jackass, to your hand, and to the cracker. Tape the tack GENTLY into place. You now have a grenade.

Oh, you don't want grenades? Double up on saltines, or triple, until the tack spike is completely hidden by cracker layer. Tape it under a newly loosened floorboard, behind a door jam, or to your forehead to really surprise your foes.

You want a grenade launcher? Well get a bow, and arrow. Aluminum arrows, please. Empty out the shot from the shell, keeping the saltine cracker and tack in place of course. (look, it doesn't have to be a saltine, but they work great for snacking as well.) Now ditch the arrowhead, its purpose has been outlived. Fill up that hollow aluminum arrow shaft with fine grade black powder, OOOO grade if possible. Though anyhting that explodes will work, I guess. Put the shaft, into the shelltube (smirk) and tape or glue it into place. Boom, explosive arrow frag grenades.

Let me guess, your on the third stage, and you don't have shotgun shells yet. You probably missed the secret area. Thats just fine, the apocalypse has a place for you as well. All you have is say... An office supply store. Janus, how do I make a crossbow? Many of you have emailed me with this query, and I have just the thing for you.

Get two pencils, number 2 or otherwise, and put them next to each other. Tape them together, leaving an inch on both ends for the rubber band. Now do it again, and tape them together into a roughly vertical cross shape. Next step, is to get a bunch of pens. Take on of those pens, and discard everything but the ink tube, and the outer plastic shell. Take that outer tube, and tape it along the cross' vertical length on top. Those inktubes are going to be ammo, so get all you can and heat/seal the writing tip off. There will be some sticky stuff inside the back of the inktube, place a pin in there. The goo will hold it. Tape that in. Grab one or more rubber bands and stretch them across the horizontal length of the cross, fitting them between the pencils. Tape the ends up to keep it in place. Now tape the center of the bands together and form some kind of inktube holder. Now the important part, wrap a rubberband BENEATH the plastic outer tube, and ABOVE the pencils. This will add elevation for proper firing. All thats left is to put in a pin arrow, stretch it back, and implant into the nearest hostile, unarmored source with a bloodstream.

Wait, Janus! But a pin won't kill anybody, and all I have is this can of chewing tobacco and/or dip. Well thats fine, if you can make sun tea on your porch, you can make a deadly psychedelic poison. There are alot of ways to do this, and they all suck. You'll get unpure nicotine, and you'll just end up making your attacker feel less stressed. And in the mood for a cigarette, which he will smoke after he is done raping and skinning your body. (In the wasteland, you waste nothing of your kill, clearly.)

Take as much of the stomach wrenching glob of tobacco as you can, and throw it into a big jar.. Pour in water, just enough to cover up the plant feces. Let that sit in the sun for a good week, longer makes a better poison. Alternatively, you could simmer it until the waters gone, but it wont be as potent. After the week, drain it through a cloth of some kind into a clean, empty, seal-able, and liquid safe container (which will be everywhere in the wasteland, I'm sure) Squeeze that cloth until all the tobacco juice is wrung out, and toss both the rag and tobacco wad. Leave the container in the sun again for a day, and you SHOULD find yourself a thick black goo. If you didn't, you used nicotine free dip, and you must start over again. Put the goo in something that would look badass as a poison container.

Now either throw two or three drops into their food, drink, sex jelly, whatever works for the enemy that is charging at you. Offer him the cup of tea, and wait for him to have a psychedelic high, followed by heart failure. You could also dip your hand crossbow darts into it... But that wouldn't be classy, sir.

Don't do any of this. It's in no way illegal, but don't do it.
-JKane


...Don't do it.

26 comments:

  1. Wonder how long it would take the tobbacco dip to kick in? if you threw it at someone or something

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  2. Nicotine can kill a full grown adult in a small dose of 50mg, it'll take anywhere from a couple minutes, to ten depending on their size. Faster with higher doses of course. But the effects of psychedelic hallucinations should be relatively soon, so the opponent would be effectively disarmed.

    -JKane

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  3. Lol your posts are strange in a good way. Not sure what to make of your mental health thou but I'll sure keep coming back here for some strangely interesting reading xD

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  4. awesome I am so going to try making that crossbow should be awesome =D
    thanks for all this info keep it up and i voted btw, hopefully more weapons wins XD

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  5. Hello I am from Homeland Security!
    Yeah right. Time to dust off those old arrows from inside the shed.
    May your shelltubes always get the shaft.

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  6. Don't look at me, you guys voted it in. ;) As for my mental health, I'm no more insane than any of you. I'm just more aware of it :/

    -JKane

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  7. "Now find yourself a thumbtack from the nearest Betty Grable poster, or whatever you kids stroke off to nowadays."

    xD

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  8. Wow Janus, that is pretty amazing, and a bit scary, if im diagnosed with a terminal illness, ill hire you to snuff me out like this

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  9. Rorscach... Possible the kindest compliment anybody has ever paid me.

    -JKane

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  10. Now, what you REALLY need is a nice flashlight to add to your bugout bag. ;)

    Have you ever tried detonating a 12g shell, though? In a controlled environment? I honestly wouldn't expect that it would make too much of an explosion, were it under a floorboard.

    Something to consider. :)

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  11. Hahahaha, sounds like something out of the anarchists' cookbook! :)

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  12. I love this, absolutely brilliant.

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  13. i don't wanna fuck with you if i see you with that.

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  14. Oh, thanks casper, I forgot to mention putting the shotgun shell inside of a fitted metal tube/pipe to direct the blast. S'what I get for typing this at 2 am.

    -JKane

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  15. Hey, I'm back from the dead! Come and visit my blog!

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  16. This place could really use some lanterns, you know....

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  17. It's so dark... So very dark...

    -JKane

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  18. How the hell did I miss this post?

    At least it wasn't about thermite, I'd be really pissed if I missed that post.

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