The Female Mind: A User Manual

We had an enourmous support with polls this time around, mates. Thank you all for chipping in and making my blog that much more lovely. Alot of you leave comments that touch me and make me smile, in ways most countries would find distasteful, if not illegal in certain regions. But probably not the Vatican. (B'Dum-CHSSSH) That was a pedophile joke, followed by a sound effect. I had some complaints about my references being vague, so I'm going to try to make this post a bit easier to understand.

But what about the ladies, Daddy Kane? You promised us 72 virgins!

To be clear, that's bollocks. You've clearly been misinterpreting my words, or mistaking them for another book that you've read. I cannot get you 72 virgins, a pound of hash, or immortality in heaven. I can't help you find nirvana for any longer than 5-30 seconds depending on your use of Tantra. I can't even guarantee one virgin, without breaking a few laws, and to be perfectly honest... It would be morally apprehensible of this humble teacher of tidbits to do so. The fact that you ask makes me more than a little leery of your intent. You're suspect...





The Female Mind
A User Manual by Janus Kane

    The first thing you'll have to understand, or at least take with a grain of salt, is that all humans think alike to a certain degree. As well, all humans react alike to a certain degree, even down to how they flirt and smile. Human tribes who to this day have had limited contact with civilization, or only recent contact, still have the same mating habits and facial expressions. Every one of us shares a smile, a frown, a shocked look of disgust. We all twitch the same exact muscle groups exactly to snap-second show a facial spasm, thus conveying our stance to those around us . Why is this important, you may ask... Outloud, and seemingly in vain. By yourself. Well that's exactly why its important. Understand that we can't consciously think to smile or show dread fast enough to react to whatever is happening, and still maintain logical thought and fair control over your motor reflexes. There is alot going on in that brain of yours, check out my early blog on the subject. And because we all respond the same, you can (and probably already do in a few areas) predict and plan for reactions from people. All I'm doing here, is giving you some basics in particular with the female mind, in regards to dropping off your carry-on luggage in her rear compartment. Ladies, maybe you just want to experiment, or continue the experiments from the blurry days in college. Maybe you even just want a platonic relationship with a female, and simply dream of more. Perhaps let her vent for hours about her shitty drunk boyfriend who beats her, but she still loves him because he's really a good guy. And you might even push down the urge to remind her even good guys aren't worth the steel-toe to her ribs, because that's what friends do.

    Whatever your reasons, you have come to the right place. you don't have to be a genius, or Don fucking Juan himself to pull in the ladies. It would help if you were a genius, and help even more if you had any social skills up to this point. But for those of you who don't, worry not, these steps are easy to follow. You just need to kick yourself in the ass a bit to get into what I like to call Hero Mode?

Question One, what is Hero Time? Hero Time is not something I would say outloud, but being an anonymous figure here, I don't mind letting you into the rather child-like enthusiasm that is my internal monologue. Hero Time is when a moment in your life travels down the timeline towards your static location in time. (Visualize that... You also learned the basics of Warp Technology, in development now.) This moment has a fight or flight choice, usually quite simple. Do you jump off the waterfall? Do you man up, pull her into a savage kiss despite not getting to the hand holding stage yet, or all the way into the movie theater. Do you unzip your pants in front of a hot chicks boyfriend, stare him down, and urinate on his shoes to express your Alpha Male status. These are all examples of Hero Time that I've run into, and there are alot more. Maybe, if you've been good, you've noticed the internal arguments you have with yourself. Yes, everybody does that. We all trade rationalizations too, you smokers probably know what I'm talking about the best. That voice that's telling you to turn away from the cliff, the voice that flashes images of you inexplicably falling or slipping or losing your balance on the cliff... That's fear. Say hello, this might be the first time you've confronted him fully.

Fear drives us, and keeps us relatively safe, or at the least sheltered. But what fear doesn't do is craft leaders, adventurers, men of science and industry and circumnavigation. It doesn't make heroes. It doesn't make the Alpha Male, and it doesn't save your life in crunch time. Its a preventative measure. If you understand this, you'll begin to see uses for fear. And if preventing yourself from talking to girls is your goal, then by all means, stop reading, and pay fear some mind. Because fear is right, your probably going to get rejected. Judged, chided, ridiculed, berated, maybe even blown. Yeah, you could get blown. I said it. But all of those things, minus the oral sex, won't hurt you in the least. Bracers could cause a complication in the latter. As well as epilepsy.

Step One
Be Confident

Many people go into a situation thinking what could go wrong, how they can avoid that, what if this happens, etc... Many people strike out and crawl home to cry, thinking they aren't worth shit. And some people aren't worth shit, depending on their health and the areas inflation rate of shit.  But you aren't one of those guys, those guys don't exist to you. Your a fucking god of your own world, and nobody can tell you otherwise. People enter your world, not the other way around my friends. Not to say you shouldn't be respectful of the other Gods, but your the alpha God. You control this amazing machine that is your body and are able to excel in any area you choose to repeat over and over and over again.

You see, people respond to confidence, yourself not witheld from that group. Whether or not we like it, we all respond to key factors about somebody. An unpleasant frown, a tear brewing, a hardened brow. We respond to that, because our brain i keyed to, its why we make the expressions in the first place. Perhaps you can see the wisdom in knowing how your brain works now, the possibilities it unlocks are endless. Females in particular, in this culture especially (america for me, but it seems very much universal) respond to dominance. This can be the steel toed dominance if played right, or the more acceptable and harder to master way of the confident nice guy.

So try this, go up to a girl in a casual setting, like a bookstore or coffee shop. She should look something like this, but lonelier. Avoid bars, clubs, anywhere you wouldn't want to meet your girl. Don't think about how easy it'd be, aim for your own areas. And if clubbing is your area, I really can't help you. Go up to her and ask her about something shes doing, connect with her immediately. Plant the seed. If she has a book, know something about it and mention you had just read it. Even if its Dean Koontz. Make eye contact, smile naturally, she isn't judging you. In fact, you are judging her. Try it with strangers, stare them down with a confident smile, watch how they react. Do this, introduce yourself, make that personal, friendly connection that tells her your the only one in the room she knows.

Excuse yourself, because you suddenly have to go somewhere, or you should really sit down on account of the hot beverage you have in your hand. She probaly won't ask for you to join her, but if she does go for it and good luck, skip to step three. But more than likely...

Walk away. Always end the engagement, though not in a rude way. This is a guide for nice guys.

Step Two
The Face

At this point, your already shame free. You made a casual, noncommital entrance, and then sat nearby to enjoy your caramel mocha orange soy frappachino in a vente cup. Or in a generic styrofoam cup and crusty bagel for all you narcotics anonymous types. She'll come to you if she likes you or if shes bored, or curious. Shes probably one of the three, so make sure to look up as if you didnt know that.

It works like this, mates. Women have had a long, long history of having men prove themselves for their affection. You've probably notice how they date assholes when theyre younger, right? Assholes are confident, they also piss alot of people off. They shit all over everything, and chicks dig it. But not you my faithful friends, not you. You're confident because you know it's not the end of the world... It is in fact not a big deal at all. She'll melt away into the hazy purple gray that masks time and space away when your not holding its attention. Just another fish in the pond, no matter how thick dat ass was.

Act like it's not that big of a deal, alot for you get nervous, I'd wager a guess. It's just not necessary. Take this advice, practice on strangers somewhere where you wont be known. Make a persona  that you want to be, the perfect image of yourself. Throw in anything you want, change anything you want. Its a fictional, fantasy character. Now go out and be that person, really step into his habits. You'll find immediately that people will respond differently, and they will respond to your character, rather than you. You just figured out that people are programmed. To be true what your doing now is programming yourself. Our brains work extremely well with repetition, if you do it long enough, you become it. Accents can be learned, mannerisms can be picked up.

Excuse me, Mr. Kane? I know you hate interruptions, but wouldn't that be dishonest? No, your persona is a conflagration of past events hitting you and some genetic dispositions. But the vast majority is the world hitting you with situations you have to adapt and learn from. If you make that a part of your life, you will literally become that person. Make it a game, hell, there are games called Larping if you can stomach the 500 lbs fireball slinging guy in every crowd. Try it out on here, your anonymous anyway. But for Kane's sake, just practice it. That alone will change your life.

Step Three
The Hook

Females love sex. If they don't, they probably aren't your thing. But most do, and most think about it constantly. Most want your dick before you even walk up to them providing you put any effort into maintaining your body, hygiene, appearance... Unless you have an accent. You may sacrifice two of those three attributes if you have an accent.

Don't believe me? Check out this rather convincing pictorial to the left, or this link below.
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/114186
The power of world wide information.

Keep that in mind, because now you hold the key. As I said earlier, they are very much used to being pursued  and having men prove themselves. So what we do, the confident nice guys, is use the same trick. Have a normal conversation with the girl, shes just a girl. In fact, think about other girls while you talk to her, maybe even glance at a few in the overpriced coffee joint you chose, because you like the idea of tainting the privileged with your lower class filth.  Talk about her, let her talk about you... Though she will likely talk about herself. Now, your interested, but once again, noncommittal. There's a very large ass by the counter, and some heaving sweater puppies doing toe touch stretches just outside the window. Let me stress, there are alot of options. She's entering your Domain.

Look, I hope you've met people, ask her about what she does, college the same basic shit you'd want people to know about you. College is good because you can find something to relate to there almost every time. Oh yeah, what classes? The Study of Indigenous Bottomfeeding Fish in the Atlantic Coasts? I was thinking about taking that course too, how are you liking it? The simple fact is, my friend, is that people like to talk about themselves. Because we all want to be immortal somehow. Or whatever your personal belief is, it's true regardless. Don't take my word for it, read a book!

Step Four
The Blow Jay

Now that you've successfully spoken to a girl without creaming your pants, or soiling them in public it's time to move onto the next stage. Now, again, keep in mind. All these steps should be taken with a bit of judgement depending on the girl your talking to. Remember, you are whoever you say you are, adapt and overcome. This girl likes you, it's very obvious because she is still talking to you. Her eyes have glanced at your crotch no less than 3 times a minute, go ahead and check that out for yourselves too. She wants you to whip that manmeat out so fast, it'll blow HER away. Cheesy joke, but it goes with the pic. Shes hot, bothered, and is repressed through social values to keep all that to her mysterious, thick hipped self. But right back at her, right? Offer to go somewhere, or to 'hang out at your place'. Maybe she'll say yes... And based on todays standards with premarital sex, she probably will if you haven't blown it yet. But if she doesn't, no worries, you never have to see her again unless your looking for the kind of girl who doesn't felate dudes she just met that day. Because she'll felate them all, you're a god, but not the only one ;)

When your at your place or somewhere allowing privacy, it's crunch time. Remember your practice, and saty confident. At this point, understand, she has followed you to a private location to continue the 'conversation'. This is the mating game, and its going exactly as planned. Please notice, throughout this whole process, you have the opportunity to see that she WANTS to talk to you. people like to be known, and appreciated by somebody they respect. And you can't respect something that worships you. So stay confident, and put that arm around her the moment you sit down next to her on the couch with a movie on, or whatever your down for. Your already on the final stretch, home base is right ahead, and it's in the glorious shape or an otherwise talking mouth. It's your job to fix that, in a respectful way.

As a side note, on the subject of respect, realize she's putting your penis in her mouth for an elongated period of time. This is a pretty big step if you think about it, and deserves a few words of appreciation, moans, slaps on the ass, and otherwise good natured ways of saying "Don't stop, I'm so goddam lonely." You can cry yourself to sleep another night, tonight, she dines on dick.

But Janus... That doesn't seem very nice. Well, neither does shoving a guys face into her pussy, an open wound thats hopefully well kept. In fact, nothing about sex is pretty if you think about it. That is in fact, why sex is so wonderful. Its that time when you can bask in those natural healthy chemicals that make all that not matter, and allow you to fully release. Very good for stress relief, and blue balls. So don't be afraid to get a little kinky, chances are she'll like it and like you more. If not, you really don't need to see her again anyway, if she didn't appreciate you. I mean... you already got the BJ.



For anybody looking for some simple tips, rather than a lifestyle change, I'll number them below so you can get some hoodrat bitches. Go to the club, you filthy bastard.

1. Eye contact, confident smile, approach like you know she wants you... Just don't grin all creepy like, its what mirrors are for.
2. Get in close, when your skin touches for more than a few seconds around 30 of them, you trade chemicals that last for quite some time. Get in close and grind dance, your already in the clear. In my experience, chicks grind on almost anybody at a club. They're there for a reason, and it's not to enjoy the festive environment. Unless your talking about the festive bathroom stalls with an anonymous stranger.

3. Don't be afraid, just go for it. If your not willing to make a solid change in your personality, your likely doomed to a life of monotony anyway. You aren't going to go anywhere. But worry not, you can make up for it in sheer repetition. 1 out of 4 girls will sleep with you if you ask, thats an average, not a set number for every group of people. Be logical, don't go to church... Probably.
4.Wear a condom. Seriously, your in a fucking club. Nobody wants anything you can pick up from a club. Be it an STD, alimony payment, or a stab wound... It's always good to have a condom. (See my next chapter on Improvised Weapons for more info on using a condom to thwart an attacker)

I hope all this helped mates, give me some feedback on anything more specific you'd like me to go into. Throw your own tips on here, alot of people could use them. Leave no brother behind.

A word for my female readers. I am not a sexist, and would be more than willing to write an equally one sided view from the woman's perspective. This is a guide for frustrated men or curious women, I'm a sarcastic guy. Take no offense, your my brothers too, sisters.

Actually a pretty nice guy,
-JKane

Locks, a Temporary Annoyance

It was a close one, my friend, very close indeed.  Almost had a three way tie with that last poll. No worries, my faithful followers, the topics will be there tomorrow ;)

Many of you may suffer from the unfortunate birth defect of being born into a corporeal body, and thus cannot pass through doors like the rest. This guide is for you. Another quick and easy way to make your life easier, and your enemies lives harder. Just make sure it's a real enemy, and not something I'll have to testify in court for in the future. To understand how to pick a lock, you must first understand the internal mechanisms held within that steel-clad box of security.

A lock has 3 basic parts. The plug, the shell, and the pins. The plug is where you stick your key into, its a long cylindrical tube. The plug is held within the shell, which is simply the outer part of the lock. It's also where the pins enter to lock it. There exists a place called the Shearline, and simply put., its the space between the plug and shell. Inside the tumble lie pins, usually 5 of them, but some have less or even more. the pins themselves are split into two pins, one resting ontop of the other. The goal is to raise each pin enough that the split in the pins matches the Shearline on all pins.

How do you do this? Well, you buy or make some lockpicks and a tension wrench. The Pick/s are used to  rake, scrape, bob and dip along those pins, puhing each down slowly, or raking across them at varying pressures. The tension wrench turns the plug as you do so, locking the pins that set into place one by one. So very simple to explain, but difficult to master. So let's go a bit deeper, shall we?

First thing you need is a tension wrench. This has to be a long, thin strip of steel or other strong metal, a bobby pin won't do.For a solid piece of metal already pre cut, ground, thinned, and heat treated, find the nearest car, and take their windshield wiper blade. That is, assuming the car is abandoned or yours. The metal strip behind the rubber wiper blade is strong and the perfect size, and come in a variety of widths for different sized locks. Take a wrench, and bend about a 1/4 inch from the tip into a 90 degree angle, and twist gently about half an inch down from that. Twist only a half turn. Next, put it in your pocket.

Second piece of equipment you must craft is the pick, or picks. A true locksmith might have up to 72 picks for various needs (I carry a 24 set), but we'll stick with your basic rake. The rake will be used for sliding in and out, up and down inside of the tight, quivering walls of the tumbler. This action is refered to 'raking', hence the name. For this, you'll need to grind or cut another metal strip. You only need about a 1/2 inch maybe more of pick at the tip, so lets grind it into a pattern like this.  If you're careful, you could even use metal snippers, just don't snip too hard. Wrap the base in a nice handle of your choice, and put it in your pocket.

 Now you're ready for the seemingly fun, but really actually quite annoying task of picking a lock. Insert the tension tip, and push down gently to turn the lock the proper, left direction. Insert the rake and begin to gently rock it up and down inside, moving in and out just a little bit. You should feel the lock stiffen some when a pin clicks into place, keep working those pins with trial and error until CLICK. You'll hear it, and you'll want to roar out in triumph.


But... But Daddy Kane. I can't seem to do it.Thats just fine, nancy boy, here are some other tips to consider adding to your repetoire.Make some more tips if you want, but the rake should pop anything but the trickier locks. The real trick is practicing your patience, and gently rocking motions. Fine tune that thing, and it will open unto you as a flower in spring-time. Get yourself a cheap padlock, secure it with a vice or something, and practice away. You might be surprised how quickly you catch on. As I said, easy to teach, hard to master.




Things to watch for. Many high end, expensive locks can include internal traps to confound the would be burgular. A shell might include side slots with pins in them. When the plug is twisted, the pins drop down and lock it into place once more. This blocks the 'bumping' type of intruder, a style of crude lockpicking, more so than it hurts the true lockpicker.  When you run into this, simply repick the dropped pin, easy as pie, and you dont have to line anything up.


Some locks might even have an "I" or "T" shaped top pin. This will easily turn your hardened, emotionallly bottled self into a quivering pile of tears and shattered dreams. if your not careful. It's designed to jam the lock if its being picked, flat and simple. The "T" side will drop down when you're raking with a tension wrench, notching onto the edge of the shell, and held there by the the pushing plug. You now have to recenter the plug, push the pins carefully all the way up, and gently try again, keeping the pick high to keep the pins high. The trap pin's edge is barely a milimeter in height, so theres not much room for error. This ornery bastard will take your time from you, and call you a bitch for trying.

To be clear, there are a few kinds of traps and safeguards. But they're mostly in the high end locks, found in high security areas. But this should do for a solid Beginner's Guide.

Next... The Combo Lock. This is a little easier. In fact, it's alot easier. The first step... Is to make a pick. Yup, we're going to pick the combination right off. Get a soda can, and cut off the bottom. Now, cut a 2 inch wide strip, and about 3 inches long. In the middle, cut a rounded V shape to about halfway up the width as shown, and then fold over the top to make the length thicker. Wrap the jimmy on the opening side of the padlock's U Bolt, sliding it downwards so the V tucks inside of the lock, against the U Bolt. Then just twist, it'll break the connection between the locking hook, and the recessed divit on the U Bolt. Pull down on the padlock, it'll pop right open.

Hope you enjoyed, mate, don't use this in anyway that will get me in legal trouble, please :) Feel free to vote for the next topic, my avid followers will notice a few familiar ones.

-JKane

Improvised Weapons, Part Deux

For the record, 'How to Properly Empty your Bowels' was just one vote short of becoming a merged topic with 'Improvised Weapons'. Which would get messy. Be glad I didn't use my swing vote.

Improvised Weapons, Part Deux
A survival guide by Janus Kane

Well mates, by another swing of popular demand, you want to be ready for the coming apocalypse. Or bring it about... Which I can't publicly condone. Last we left off, you had a very carefully held shotgun shell grenade in one hand, and a wrist mounted crossbow with no less than a bag full of darts.On your chest crossed belt, you keep your vial of nicotine. With a rugged face, and hardened eyes, you press onwards out of the shattered cityscape. Hark, there in the distance... Smoke rising from the woods. It sounds like a small group of men. This situation could get hostile, and your still limited.

No worries, you passed by a fabric store on the way. Quickly, you backtrack, keeping to the back alleys and rooftops when available. Making sure to avoid any people for the time being. You creep through the roof ventilation system, and enter the abandonded store.

Ghillie Suite


1.Grab yourself some camo pants and blouse as a base, or coveralls. Its really up to you, i prefer the maneuverability of the two piece, personally.
2.snag up a bunch of burlap and dye the sheets from dark green, to medium green (depending on terrain and season, use your best judgement with colors. You're a warrior now, and wits are your life.)
3.Cut the burlap into varying strips  two to three inches in width, and half a foot, to a foot in length. Mix them up for a good, unmatching mix.
4.I' told you can just staple or sew them to the base clothing, but I'm adding three more steps.
5.The front of your pants you coat with hot glue, especially the knees. Make sure it seeps into the fabric. Now repeat that step with the front of the jacket. This is for crawling, which youll do alot of.
6.Get some loose and thin netting, about an inch wide for the holes. Sew that onto the entire back of the jacket and pants. Sew it on a little taut, and add sewing to the center and such for added stability. Wrap your arms in it now.
7.Tie the burlap strips onto the netting in a thick, overlapping, disorganized manner. You want to break apart the V silhouette underneath your arms, between your legs, knees, next to your neck, etc... You've got tons of Vs on you and they all give you away.
8. For added effect, do the same with a Boonie Hat. And wrap your firearm in the netting and burlap, making sure your scope is free from blockage. That is, if you have a firearm or scope... Which you dont.

Slowly, you stalk out of the city and towards the forestline, dropping down and crawling slowly. Making sure to do the following.

1.Keep your silhoutte away from the horizon, meaning never stand or crawl on a hilltop or ridge crest. You don't want sky or brightness behind you. If you do, the camouflage isn't registered, and your perceived as a human silhouette.

2.smear dark natural colors along your face, darker colors over the high points of your face(cheekbones, jawbone, eyebrow ridge, top of forehead), and lighter colors on the sunken in parts of the face (cheeks, eyes, chin divit,above the eyebrow ridge) You can experiment, but you want your facial features to be broken up by false shadows and stripes and blotches. Tiger strips work well too, but be sure to not make lines, smear the stripes in. The edges should blend a bit. For best effect, use waterproof camo paint at the army navy store. Make sure to get the back of the neck, ears, etc... Anything skin. Avoid straight lines like  <-- this guy, unless you're too goddam badass. But try to apply various lengths and styles of strokes based on the environment, you want to blend and break up.


3.Stay still. Or creep like molasses uphill.Seriously, ants should think you are food. The human eye naturally tracks movement.
4.Keep your form low, and practice crawling with a longarm if you have one, it's tough to lowcrawl and hold a firearm.

Now that you're invisible, you crawl through the high foliage, coming upon the small clearing where three armed men are playing cards. Two prisoners are unconscious or dead, tied to a tree. Slowly, you creep up and drop 3 drops into the cup of coffee one by a log. *crack* You break a twig, snapping the eyes of all three towards the forest line. Staring you down... And then past you, and all around. One gets up, moving to stand on the other side of the log in front of you. Flicking on a battered flashlight, he shines it into the trees, and on the ground. He shines it right over you, its all over now you tell yourself. But he instead just takes a sip of his coffee, and moves back to the game. You've got to work quick now, aiming your tiny crossbow with a prayer, you launch it 11 feet through the air with a soft twang, sticking the poisoned dart into the back of another's neck. Grabbing it with a surprised yelp, he stands up with a shout, grabbing his weapons and thus alerting his friends to do the same. But you have an ace up your well hidden sleeve, flicking the single shotgun shell straight at their feet to explode in an ear cracking bang. Not wasting a moment, you dash hard and fast to leap at the stunned, final enemy. Knees first, you break ribs as you collide, carrying him to the ground below you. With a quick jab to his throat, you sweep up his weapon and collide it down into his face again and again with grunts of exertion and determination. Your camouflaged face splattered with the once pulse-ridden corpse's life blood. You  take time to study the captives and supplies you've captured.

Whats this, a surprise! Yeah, daddy Kane didn't forget your needs. Amid the supplies you find a big glass jug, two gallons of gasoline, and a snake bite kit.

1.Put in a few drops of Gasoline, cap it, and swish it around gently to coat the inside of the jug until it evaporates.
2.Add a few drops of Potassium Permanganate from the snake-bite kit.
3.Throw it... Very far. Use a big ass ground mounted slingshot if you need to, it packs about half a stick of dynamite.
4.After you throw it, gravity should do the rest. It explodes upon breaking.

Stick around, and I'll teach you all about Astrolite, Plastique, Thermite, Solidox, and Fertilizer Bombs. Hope you enjoyed, don't do any of this, etc...

-JKane

How to Kill a Charging Man with a Cup of Tea

If you haven't noticed yet, the top left of my blog has a poll. :) Updated every time I make a new post, daily. Just pick the subject you want me to go into, and my mind will do the rest. If you don't actually read my posts, I suppose you wouldn't even see this far. Those of you who made it past three sentences, give me your suggestions ;) I'm all about my readers.

Improvised Weapons
A survival guide by Janus Kane

So you've decided not to lay down and take it, when flesh hungry undead are clawing at your hopefully tear-proof clothing. OR when commies invade our soil, and have to defend ourselves against Country X, Terrorist X, Monster X... Whatever. Well Daddy Kane is here to make sure everyone of you has at least a mediocre chance to survive in an otherwise life-altering environment.

So you've got some shotgun shells? Yeah, I bet you do. You've got all that powerhouse ammo, and not a single shotgun to your post-apocalyptic name. Which is probably going to be something really cheesy, like Striker, or Shadowblaster. I can't wait for the information generation to hit post apocalyptia.... You are in luck.

Take the shell, some tape, and a saltine. Now find yourself a thumbtack from the nearest Betty Grable poster, or whatever you kids stroke off to nowadays. Place the saltine upon the back of the shell, the metal side. This will prevent your fingers from exploding, an unfortunate side effect of discharging shotgun shells in your hand. Secure the crackery treat with the tape, to the shotgun shell back. Now, ever so gently, place the tip of the thumbtack through the saltine. Don't you fucking push hard, its just a saltine, and doesn't deserve what you're about to do to it. So don't be a jackass, to your hand, and to the cracker. Tape the tack GENTLY into place. You now have a grenade.

Oh, you don't want grenades? Double up on saltines, or triple, until the tack spike is completely hidden by cracker layer. Tape it under a newly loosened floorboard, behind a door jam, or to your forehead to really surprise your foes.

You want a grenade launcher? Well get a bow, and arrow. Aluminum arrows, please. Empty out the shot from the shell, keeping the saltine cracker and tack in place of course. (look, it doesn't have to be a saltine, but they work great for snacking as well.) Now ditch the arrowhead, its purpose has been outlived. Fill up that hollow aluminum arrow shaft with fine grade black powder, OOOO grade if possible. Though anyhting that explodes will work, I guess. Put the shaft, into the shelltube (smirk) and tape or glue it into place. Boom, explosive arrow frag grenades.

Let me guess, your on the third stage, and you don't have shotgun shells yet. You probably missed the secret area. Thats just fine, the apocalypse has a place for you as well. All you have is say... An office supply store. Janus, how do I make a crossbow? Many of you have emailed me with this query, and I have just the thing for you.

Get two pencils, number 2 or otherwise, and put them next to each other. Tape them together, leaving an inch on both ends for the rubber band. Now do it again, and tape them together into a roughly vertical cross shape. Next step, is to get a bunch of pens. Take on of those pens, and discard everything but the ink tube, and the outer plastic shell. Take that outer tube, and tape it along the cross' vertical length on top. Those inktubes are going to be ammo, so get all you can and heat/seal the writing tip off. There will be some sticky stuff inside the back of the inktube, place a pin in there. The goo will hold it. Tape that in. Grab one or more rubber bands and stretch them across the horizontal length of the cross, fitting them between the pencils. Tape the ends up to keep it in place. Now tape the center of the bands together and form some kind of inktube holder. Now the important part, wrap a rubberband BENEATH the plastic outer tube, and ABOVE the pencils. This will add elevation for proper firing. All thats left is to put in a pin arrow, stretch it back, and implant into the nearest hostile, unarmored source with a bloodstream.

Wait, Janus! But a pin won't kill anybody, and all I have is this can of chewing tobacco and/or dip. Well thats fine, if you can make sun tea on your porch, you can make a deadly psychedelic poison. There are alot of ways to do this, and they all suck. You'll get unpure nicotine, and you'll just end up making your attacker feel less stressed. And in the mood for a cigarette, which he will smoke after he is done raping and skinning your body. (In the wasteland, you waste nothing of your kill, clearly.)

Take as much of the stomach wrenching glob of tobacco as you can, and throw it into a big jar.. Pour in water, just enough to cover up the plant feces. Let that sit in the sun for a good week, longer makes a better poison. Alternatively, you could simmer it until the waters gone, but it wont be as potent. After the week, drain it through a cloth of some kind into a clean, empty, seal-able, and liquid safe container (which will be everywhere in the wasteland, I'm sure) Squeeze that cloth until all the tobacco juice is wrung out, and toss both the rag and tobacco wad. Leave the container in the sun again for a day, and you SHOULD find yourself a thick black goo. If you didn't, you used nicotine free dip, and you must start over again. Put the goo in something that would look badass as a poison container.

Now either throw two or three drops into their food, drink, sex jelly, whatever works for the enemy that is charging at you. Offer him the cup of tea, and wait for him to have a psychedelic high, followed by heart failure. You could also dip your hand crossbow darts into it... But that wouldn't be classy, sir.

Don't do any of this. It's in no way illegal, but don't do it.
-JKane


...Don't do it.